Still kicking

I am still alive and existing.

I have now become the forefront of information for my peers and am eagerly utilized with little down time at work. When I leave the office I go directly to my boys and fathering till they are at rest and any time outside of that I am spending working out our new home.

I will try to return and continue on as I had before once my schedule eases up. I look forward to attempting more rituals and writing more in perhaps a months time.

Even if I were to suffer some unfortunate incident I imagine my spirit would be restless as I have little time for eternal slumber haha.

Complexity

The human being is complex, so much so that they cannot comprehend themselves much less others. To attempt to define one's self or another person is to limit them, placing them in a box and putting a label upon it. We should not seek to limit ourselves.

We can interpret what we can sense and past that we can only assume; assumption is a hazardous method. Would it not be simpler to live transparently? When a person is sad, they should be sad, when they are happy they should show it. Posturing and acting is what will have us all undone.

In the event that a person would find themselves in opposition in what they believe they should accept themselves rather than admonish. In the core of a person is their true path, interest and desires and to deny these is to live in turmoil. We as a people should accept that there is negativity along side positivity. Acceptance of ones self will aid in forward progress towards accepting one's right to be.

Permit yourself to feel and accept that you are what you are and that is ok. Do not over indulge however or give into delusions to hide parts of your true being.

It

It smiled, it made it appear that it smiled.
It felt nothing, It had no desire to feel.
It moved and talked and blended.
It was there, but only as a silent observer within itself.

It waited to not be.
It kept moving down a path, without aim.
It was bound by those around it to being.
It had a buffer to seperate it from others.

It slept without interest to wake.
It woke and automated till the next slumber.
It bore the weight of itself constantly.
It fell then got up and moved forward.

It stared with hollow eyes at the world.
It touched with deadened hands.
It heard with deaf ears.
It tasted in greys.

It was called man and bore the burden of being.

Self Destruction

At times we all have thoughts of our own demise.

Just this morning I had thought "What if I open the car door and tumble out into the freeway, I could turn in opposition to obtain maximum damage." I find this to occur mostly without cause or being triggered by something. I wasn't depressed and I have no interest in commiting suicide. I am certain that we all have moments such as this though, we just decide to ignore these thoughts.

I even took the time to justify why I was not going to do such a thing. "Well the car may cause others to have an accident and my body most certainly would, There would be terrible traffic due to it. That'd be very selfish of me." Maybe it's being tired or boredom.

Do we naturally yearn for our own demise? I find that hard to believe due to being creatures with a survival instinct. Maybe there is a voice in our ears leading us to these thoughts. Perhaps I'm just sick and no one else thinks like this. I have no idea but I feel more accomplished than I figure someone normally would for merely being in existance.

I hope this does not cause conscern, we are strongly bound to this world through those around us and such a link is not easily broken. Worry not.

A touch of the divine

There is a place that exists within us all where everything divine sings in a tranquil chorus.

This place is created from all the instances in ones life where tears fell from awe struck eyes, where one's breath held still, as time it self seemed to. Where the ego melted away leaving the mind fully at peace. The heart holds steadfast in this place, for the mind of each being is deeply moved when presiding within. This place changes with time and expands to infinity. It could house a sea of flowers with petals drifting lightly on a gentle and whimsical breeze with massive, pearlescent architecture, marble floors and only the open blue sky for a ceiling. All forms of creature in their most enrapturing instances residing therein.

This place is beyond any means of defilement, it is without time and without worry. No matter what is happening outside of ourselves this place within each of us will always harbor us and give us sanctuary. It absolves us, purifies us, give us hope and saves us from ourselves.

On such a dreary day as today felt to be, I visited the door of this solemn place and my heavy heart became immediately lighter, the weight on my shoulders was lifted and I felt love for the world once more. I decided to write the following short story intro with this in mind.


War had torn through the lands continuously for longer than anyone could remember. The world as most knew it was tattered and torn. Cities laid in piles of rubble and structures stood open to the environment. All complex mechanism had fallen in disrepair and were now viewed as wondrous relics.

A boy sat on part of an unbroken fence of an unkept path that led nowhere in particular. His father had left for war long before his birth and never returned. His mother had died of the terminal sickness known to the people as "Vice" that had come into existence within the recent years and claims many each year. The boy had watched as his mother deteriorated and fell to a sleep from which they never again awoke.

Now alone with nothing but his thoughts he knew his only chance of survival was to enlist in a mercenary band. He had nothing more than survival to strive for and had only the experience of a toy sword which he had to pretended himself as great knight and defender. This would have to do for now.

As a gentle breeze past, something caught his eye and he turned slowly towards it. It was a doe almost devoid of any of the brown markings, leaving only white fur. It stood in elegance observing the boy with a steady stare. It slowly turned towards the woods and then looked back at the boy expectantly. The boy who had sat in awe, now retook and lowered himself from the fence, following in the direction of the doe.

The forest was unusually dense and he almost lost sight of the doe once or twice. Thanks to tone of it's fur, it stood out even in the thickest of thicket. As he climbed over a particularly large branch he fell and landed softly in lush grass. Before him glowed pearlescent ruins foreign to anything he had prior knowledge of. How it remained untouched was beyond him and he felt his breath catch as tears welled up in his eyes.

This was without a doubt where everything good and wholesome resided and not a speck of sin could invade that. Here he saw the doe's true form and the gathering tears came gushing out as he ran to her.

He opened his eyes to find himself back upon the fence next to the path. For a moment he had considered the vision for an illusion, but knew better as the feelings he had experienced were true. He knew he must find that place and that would be the purpose in which to strive. He leapt from the fence refreshed and feeling light as a feather, running down the path with hope giving wind to his wings.


-inspired by a Saya Composition-
http://worldlydelights.blogspot.com/2014/06/the-temple-inside-of-you.html

Conversion

Depression is a plague that everyone faces at one point or another.

Sometimes their is a mental or emotional reason. Perhaps we feel our existance holds no meaning or purpose. Other times it is chemical; an imbalance in the body that leaves us feeling off, melancholy or morose with out any outside influence. The former is tough to deal with and can be given fuel by the latter.

If I am aware that I am having a chemical imbalance and this is leading me to feeling depression it also can lead to self inflicted negative mental and emotional stimulous. The thought of pointlessness and insulting ones self for a feeling that is not intentionally indulged in.

Perhaps a good method of turning this around would be rebalancing ourselves chemically. Make the food of the day nutritional, cover all the bases, Get out and get sun, and Exercise and get the body moving. Direct your negative thoughts in a positive direction, they are unavoidable so rather than fight them we can convert them to something else, eventually leading to a positive result.

Rather than thinking "What is the point of going outside and working out, no one cares anyway." try thinking "Why should I bother indulging myself in relaxing, I might as well be working out."
even though the working out is now considered negative, it is still a positive behavoir that can lead to rebalancing and regaining energy. The problem with is obvious however. What if we eventually convince ourselves that the positive behavoir is bad even when we are not depressed.

Everything hinges on having a strong set of beliefs that will always ring true in the back of our minds. If you think things over, the next day you will be able to return to your true beliefs. We mustnly make excuses. We should accept who we are and what we do and never question our true beliefs even if we compromise them or go against them from time to time. Denial can defile a persons path and keep us from being true to ourselves. Everyone is human, everyone has unclean thoughts and do to some extent unclean things. No one is spotless, so why hold it against yourself.

So all this being said, I sit at my computer with that creeping gloom. I recognized it, I accept it and I know that it is something I want to convert to a more positive state. I believe I need a good rest and perhaps a good helping of unprocessed fruits and vegetables as well as a walk outside in the sun. If it doesn't work I will update this and debunk myself. I'm already feeling better by blogging about it though so here is hoping :)

Intent

Recently I heard something profound at work. I did not expect it.

"Assume positive intent"

How often do we perceive others as enemies in our mind by viewing their presence or presentation as antagonistic. Imagine all the misunderstands that could be averted and how much brighter the world would be if we had an outlook that our fellow humans were striving towards a positive result just as we are.

Give it a try next time you speak with someone. They may just have a difficult time expressing themselves which could be viewed as negative input. Everyone wants to have a happy and fulfilling life after all.

Crossed Line

Recently within the past two weeks I have been having issues with my phone.

It's not that the phone loses signal or drops calls, instead it seems to receive interference. I will be talking to a friend or family and there will be a quiet moment. This silence is followed by a new sort of feedback.

In the first instance, I was having a conversation with a loved one when in the middle of the back and forth there was silence despite my prompting. Before I could hang up I began to hear something. It sounded like digital feedback. This noise seemed to come in intervals and at first I thought it was an issue with phone not properly handling the incoming signal. As strange as it was it eventually cut out so I called my loved one back. They had not been speaking to me at the intervals in which the digital feedback was heard.

The most recent occurance was just the other day. I was speaking to a close friend when the line went silent. It was then replaced by a heavy breathing, seemingly through the aid of a breathing machine. I tried to elicit a responce to figure out what was going on but the breathing continued and my words seemed to fall on deaf ears. After thirty seconds of this something was mumbled from the breathing entity and then the call ended. I called my friend back and they told me it had ended on their side prior to when I began to hear the breathing.

I can only speculate what might be going on and if this continues happening I will continue to document it. Is someone or something listening in or trying to communicate or is the line just getting crossed?

Shell

Imagine if you well an entity that acts and reacts to stimulous. It moves with what would be viewed as purpose and direction yet at its core there is nothingness. It can smile, frown and depict all known emotions when such a response is elicited. When it looks at something, it can only relate what it is viewing in terms that are relative to it's self. It does not see those around it in their native context. It always acts in it's own interest as that is the minimum requirement of it's survival. It can procreate and raise young but never truly understands the purpose in anything it does.

It is merely a walking shell that stares back at me in the mirror every morning and I want nothing more than to wipe that smug grin off it's face.

Down pour

There is something to fear in the rain.

The curtain of clouds closed in upon the sun and a subtle darkness settled in. The usually bustling metropolis' veins ran thin as the people took to shelter. The few that remained were canned up in vehicles. Even vermin knew to take shelter from a salivating sky.

On this day, I found myself late and pressed to brave the maelstrom with umbrella in had, cursing the wind. The water licked at my heels with each step. With such a down pour the view became distorted and I found myself unable to tell what there was more than 2 feet in any direction of me. My senses were now null and void as all I could do was soldier on.

In a metropolis even in the worst of weather you will usually encouter at least one other unfortunate soul in this similar situation along the way any where you would go. Thus is the path of luck and lack there of. I had not seen a soul since I opened my apartment door into the street. I also came to the realization that I had not seen even a sign that others might have ever been where I now walked. No bikes chained, cars parked or structured stone walk. I new was padding down what I assumed to be a mildewed slab, upon my notice of which prompted my earlier observation.

I was immediately disturbed and began fearing for my own well being. I turned to walk towards what should have been a wall of shop fronts or apartments only to encounter nothing after 20 or so steps. Visibly distraught I darted in every which direction with similar results. My panic was now at a crescendo and I felt that my heart would soon either explode or give out entirely as I fell to my knees hyperventilating.

The rain seem to respond to my plight and fear with increased ferocity and a wave of knocked me onto all fours clutching for a hand hold. I coughed heavily as the last wave had caught me by surprise and I had taken in much of it. Before I could recover fully another wave tousled me to the side. I was utterly at the mercy of the storm and mercy it would not afford me. The waves intensified, churning me about as I gave in to oblivion and lost consciousness.

My alarm went of and I shot up in my bed. Outside the sky was dark and sprinkles of rain were starting to fall. I decided for safety I would call into work ill. Though I now knew it to be a dream, I could not shake the feeling that it was more than that. I later noticed that my umbrella had gone missing and to this day I stay in on rainy days.