Thursday, February 20, 2014


I'm not sure why but I despise referring to myself in the third person.

It is customary in my line of work to announce yourself when you enter onto a conference call. This results in the repetition of "Jim Mansfield is here". It is very uncomfortable to me to announce myself in that fashion, I usually opt for a "Hey, it's Chris." Rather informal but I don't feel like putting myself on a pedestal.

To define my relationship with myself I would say "I accept who I am". I would not put myself above anyone and I am aware the world does not revolve around me. I am fairly sure a bare minimum of even entangle themselves with me. A slight lament, but I am fine with that. Everything has it's purpose and direction. I don't have the be the center of a universe to exist and do so pleasantly.

Knowing this, I do not seek to draw attention to myself. I can be apart of something without circling the drain (is this a depressing way to view being central in something?). I find it fascinating that despite my social neglect, people will take the time to interact with me. I must have one of those faces, as they say. It's always intriguing to speak with some one with no intentions of anything further. It's a very pure conversation where the only purpose is informational exchange and general interest in the other being.

By now it must seem apparent that I live inside my own head for the most part. I watch the world through the theater that is my own eyes and have my mystery science theater going all the while. I am the hermit in my head. Perhaps this way of interacting with life makes me detached? I don't think so, I just think I choose the moments to put my whole self into. Do I really need to be fully engaged in ever conversation about weather trends? Surely not.

Being the constant hypocrite that I am, I have to say that there are time I want to be observed and considered. I find myself requiring, more than anything that my boys look me in the eyes and see me and Know Me. I have to be an essential part of their universe, for myself personally, for my happiness. I like for them to be able to be happy to engage the world on their own, but I can not disengage or be detached from them entirely. I need them as much as I hope they need me.

If I had to define myself in one word I would be lying or cutting myself short and so would anyone else. We cannot be defined we are abstract and dynamic. I may hate the things tomorrow that I loved yesterday or visa versa. We are Chaos and should embrace that. I don't have time fumbling around in my own head, trying to figure out how to sort together details to define myself to myself. I only have time to exist and move forward, Living.

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