Tuesday, September 23, 2014


We are the material of habitual faltering.

Moving headlong into an abyss with no end in search of things that don't exist. Any bit of cognition we gain a grasp upon we hold momentarly before searching for more. Attempting to feed an appetite that knows not what it is to be satisfied. The beast that is man is the representative of the illogical.

The earth is but a tool of man for his molding and consumption. Do we stop to consider the purpose or meaning of the soil and land as it is or do we rush to form it into something that we deem to better suit ourselves. Within we are hollow and push that which resides around us into shapes to fit a hole that bears no shape itself. What foolish endeavors we toil.

Most appauling of all, the outlook and behavoir we exhibit towards those in our same circumstances. Molding and twisting, binding to each other and shredding away at what is already there. If ever our eyes were to be exchanged and see the fate befall ourselves, would we remorse? What Ego, What obsession, What Madness is man.

Chaos sealed into meat and bone.

Monday, September 15, 2014


Being a cannibal is a pecular thing.

You find yourself in a world of food constantly tempting and beckoning to you. You look around and see all these.. meals.. just running around and you can't help but wonder how they would taste and what side dishes and wine or liqour might compliment them best.

No one really thinks about it, but people are red meat. This usually means pairing with a red wine when enjoying the best cuts. When partaking of the ribs or barbecueing, one might watch the game and opt for a beer instead. It all depends on situation, preparation and setting.

I digress, back to what makes it so very strange. It is surprising to find that it is much more difficult to hunt down and kill a cow with your bare hands than it is a human. Cattle know to run, people are quite oblivious to such threats. Another perk to the palate.

There are draw backs to the appetite, it becomes difficult to maintain a social life when talking to food. How could something considered platable be good company and even if one were to consider it good company, how do you avoid thinking about consumption? How long could one talk to a tantalizing steak and truly enjoy the conversation?

It's an interesting life choice and unlike being a vegan or the like, it's not something you can just opt out of later. It changes you and you never see the world in the same light. Even just trying it, you never forget your first meal.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Sleep watcher

I found my self standing and staring down at her sleeping form.

I did not know how long I had been standing there nor when I had gotten out of bed. She was a deep sleeper so it could have been any given amount of time really. It was now 5 in the morning so I shrugged it away.

The next day while I was down stairs putting together lunch, I heard her scream and ran upstairs to see what was wrong. She seemed nervous but said she assured me it had been a rodent that startled her so I let her know I would make sure the problem was taken care of. She didn't seem very relieved as she left the room. I noticed a picture hanging part way out of a folder by where she had been standing.

There were tons of photos with time stamps of me standing at the bed side staring at her with a blank expression with timestamps that encompassed hours starting at two in the morning. Terrified I ran down stairs and told her to pack her things and that we were leaving. She didn't want to go with me, she didn't know that there was something other than a sleep watcher to worry about.

To this day she sleeps in a seperate room with the door locked. Yesterday I think I heard multiple snapping sounds coming from her room while I was up late... I'm almost releaved that I am not the focal point. I know I should probably be protective, but she is very thurough before she locks up for the night, so whatever is going on is not something any normal being knows.

I found a folder of photos today and I fear what they imply. They are of me, standing in her room from 2pm to 5pm, loading a shotgun.

I left her today for her own good, though I'm sure if anything happens to her they will find a folder full of pictures and I will without a doubt be found to blame.

Monday, August 18, 2014


Old tendencies are pulling at my logic. I am feeling the need to become more reclusive, to hide myself away and cut off contact with everything.

The funny thing is that this urge is brought on by the frustration of feeling a lack of connectivity with others. As if in insulted defense I push everything away as an excuse to why I feel so secluded even with others around. I know it is unhealthy to hold up inside my own head yet I can't help but have the desire none-the-less.

To correct my behavior I have acknowledge how I feel and that it is not a positive pattern of behavoir that I wish to support. The hard part is choosing a path less traveled instead of going down the well traveled path of my usual habit. This is often why people don't often seem to do anything with the advice of others. A friend of mine has made me aware of my lack of results which creates a need to actually listen to someone for once and actually show some results.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014


I grit my teeth as the walls shifted around me. My blood boiled and my fury overflowed. It felt as if the world were shaking as I let out roar from deep within.

I rushed out of the room bashing the door open with my fists on the way out. It splintered and my skin broke; blood dripped from them as I ran to the living room clawing the walls and tossing everything about needlessly. It did nothing to sooth the inferno raging inside me, I needed to destroy something more than mere items. I needed to hurt something; hurt something so bad that there would be no coming back from the damage inflicted. To destory something to it's very core; to make it feel my ire in full.

Then there was a knock at the door.

I imagine this is how those infected in 28days later might think if they were to think at all. Any human emotion left unchecked would truly be something to fear. It might be even worse if such thoughts were to occur while one was in the grip of unrelenting glee. To gain happiness from the pain is something I find disturbing.

Monday, August 4, 2014

The next ritual?

I hope you are all well, I am looking to perform another one of Saya's rituals and am up for suggestion. Keep in mind that a video can only be provided for a ritual that is heavily visual based. Once i get an acceptable suggest I will set a date and general time if there is not a definate time requirement.

The higher risk of the ritual the longer it will take me to be able to perform it as I refuse to use my own home in which my children sleep for the purpose of performing such things.

I will most likely not perform rituals that require self mutilation or inflict harm upon others as I have little interest in being malicious. Other than that, let me have it.

Body, Mind and Soul

A man walked down a street having a conversation with his two others.

1. "Why must we walk so far this is very tiring?!"
2. "We have places to be, you'll get your rest in due time"
3. "One paths leads to another, we must stay strong for the paths ahead"

1. "I am so hungry though, I must have food and drink, meat and potatoes with gravy..."
2. "We can eat once we have our tomes in hand, there is much to research and only so much light."
3. "There will always be time for if nothing else; we have time."

1. "What of a woman then I must have one by nights end."
2. "Should we really spend our time seeking to defile ourselves when there is so much knowledge to gain."
3. "Connecting with others can bring about surprising realizations and growth."

1. "You neglect me so well I have reached my end, the suffering is too much!"
2. "Foolish lump do not give out now, so much is at hand and within our grasp!"
3. "Perhaps in the next world we will better manage ourselves and be more fullfilled..."

The man fell to the ground and never got up again. To view the world from one perspective is to neglect others, within each of us is a variety of necessities that lead us to a satisfying end. Neglect not one for the other and manage ones existance to the fullest.


The dead do not weep for the living as the living weep for the dead.

I found my self in a strange land, awoken from slumber by the rising sun. It was a lush, green place riddled with trees and mountanous hills in the distance. It seemed like a pleasant enough place though I could not truly discern a purpose in it. I could hear water trickling  nearby and moved to investigate. The sources was a clear blue stream spawning from a mountain and leading into a body of water that stretched on into the distance as far as I could see. The water was cool and gentle aside from the ripples created upon my intrusion.

I was quite surprised at how quickly the sun had crossed the land as it began to settle back into the earth. I turned away from it to see the moon rising in it's place and the stars looking down upon the land. I was new to this lands and knew not what to expect form day nor night. When I began to hear the low groaning from the darkened woods my curiousity turned to fright. A purpose now solidified within my being; Survival. I was not yet sure what was out there, but I was certain it was not in my best interest to find out.

I took flight in the direction opposite of which the noise had emanated. To my dismay a groans began to arrive from each direction that I took flight, till one of the things that created the sound was close enough to be visually defined. My God, it was as much monster as it had been man! What once had been living particle was not a rotting symphony of mechination from which no living thing might utilize for normal motion. Ichor dripped from it's maw and it gnashed as it's greyed orbs drank in my existance. I lost all composure and fled into the woods clawing at trees till I found myself hunkered down in between limbs.

I did not sleep for the rest of the night and hung on edge as one became many. The wave of ambling rotten vessels and a wafting of carrion odor cause me to lose my lunch and nearly my grip upon my natural safe haven. My strength had nearly given out as the sun began to rise and the corps of flesh moaned in horror as the rising light set them a flame. I nearly burned alive once the tree caught fire and had to dive off into a nearby tuft of grass and soil.

I laid there for a moment before my minds gears took hold once more and I rolled onto my feet. If I did not make good use of the day, I would surely be taken with the night. Those numerous unfortunate successors show this lesson upon their vessels and I knew I could no longer pity them for they held no mercy for me.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014


We have become a society that fears.

We have been told to fear our neighbors, told to fear nature, told to fear our transportation, told to fear the water we drink and the air that we breath, told to fear the light and told to fear the dark. Fear, what is fear? It is not unreasonable to get scared at times, but to be afraid all the time or to hold fear of something in your heart is a heavy burden.

I submit that we should all except the fact that things happen, people get hurt and die everyday every moment. If it is going to happen it will happen and fearing it will not stop it, as often we see in a horror film. Only by accepting our neighbors, nature, transportation, water, air, light, dark, etc. can we truly ever have said we lived. If I were to jump out of a plane tommorrow (to sky dive) and my parashoot does not deploy at least as I hit the ground I will know I have had lived.

Why should anyone sit around in their own head hidden away fromt he world existing in fear when living is such a simple thing. We just have to get up, go outside and go where our spirit carries us. We cannot stop the count down by hiding away from it, so why not enjoy the time we have.

So put fear aside and go out and live. The worst that can happen is you have a good time before the end.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Still kicking

I am still alive and existing.

I have now become the forefront of information for my peers and am eagerly utilized with little down time at work. When I leave the office I go directly to my boys and fathering till they are at rest and any time outside of that I am spending working out our new home.

I will try to return and continue on as I had before once my schedule eases up. I look forward to attempting more rituals and writing more in perhaps a months time.

Even if I were to suffer some unfortunate incident I imagine my spirit would be restless as I have little time for eternal slumber haha.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


The human being is complex, so much so that they cannot comprehend themselves much less others. To attempt to define one's self or another person is to limit them, placing them in a box and putting a label upon it. We should not seek to limit ourselves.

We can interpret what we can sense and past that we can only assume; assumption is a hazardous method. Would it not be simpler to live transparently? When a person is sad, they should be sad, when they are happy they should show it. Posturing and acting is what will have us all undone.

In the event that a person would find themselves in opposition in what they believe they should accept themselves rather than admonish. In the core of a person is their true path, interest and desires and to deny these is to live in turmoil. We as a people should accept that there is negativity along side positivity. Acceptance of ones self will aid in forward progress towards accepting one's right to be.

Permit yourself to feel and accept that you are what you are and that is ok. Do not over indulge however or give into delusions to hide parts of your true being.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014


It smiled, it made it appear that it smiled.
It felt nothing, It had no desire to feel.
It moved and talked and blended.
It was there, but only as a silent observer within itself.

It waited to not be.
It kept moving down a path, without aim.
It was bound by those around it to being.
It had a buffer to seperate it from others.

It slept without interest to wake.
It woke and automated till the next slumber.
It bore the weight of itself constantly.
It fell then got up and moved forward.

It stared with hollow eyes at the world.
It touched with deadened hands.
It heard with deaf ears.
It tasted in greys.

It was called man and bore the burden of being.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Self Destruction

At times we all have thoughts of our own demise.

Just this morning I had thought "What if I open the car door and tumble out into the freeway, I could turn in opposition to obtain maximum damage." I find this to occur mostly without cause or being triggered by something. I wasn't depressed and I have no interest in commiting suicide. I am certain that we all have moments such as this though, we just decide to ignore these thoughts.

I even took the time to justify why I was not going to do such a thing. "Well the car may cause others to have an accident and my body most certainly would, There would be terrible traffic due to it. That'd be very selfish of me." Maybe it's being tired or boredom.

Do we naturally yearn for our own demise? I find that hard to believe due to being creatures with a survival instinct. Maybe there is a voice in our ears leading us to these thoughts. Perhaps I'm just sick and no one else thinks like this. I have no idea but I feel more accomplished than I figure someone normally would for merely being in existance.

I hope this does not cause conscern, we are strongly bound to this world through those around us and such a link is not easily broken. Worry not.

Monday, June 30, 2014

A touch of the divine

There is a place that exists within us all where everything divine sings in a tranquil chorus.

This place is created from all the instances in ones life where tears fell from awe struck eyes, where one's breath held still, as time it self seemed to. Where the ego melted away leaving the mind fully at peace. The heart holds steadfast in this place, for the mind of each being is deeply moved when presiding within. This place changes with time and expands to infinity. It could house a sea of flowers with petals drifting lightly on a gentle and whimsical breeze with massive, pearlescent architecture, marble floors and only the open blue sky for a ceiling. All forms of creature in their most enrapturing instances residing therein.

This place is beyond any means of defilement, it is without time and without worry. No matter what is happening outside of ourselves this place within each of us will always harbor us and give us sanctuary. It absolves us, purifies us, give us hope and saves us from ourselves.

On such a dreary day as today felt to be, I visited the door of this solemn place and my heavy heart became immediately lighter, the weight on my shoulders was lifted and I felt love for the world once more. I decided to write the following short story intro with this in mind.

War had torn through the lands continuously for longer than anyone could remember. The world as most knew it was tattered and torn. Cities laid in piles of rubble and structures stood open to the environment. All complex mechanism had fallen in disrepair and were now viewed as wondrous relics.

A boy sat on part of an unbroken fence of an unkept path that led nowhere in particular. His father had left for war long before his birth and never returned. His mother had died of the terminal sickness known to the people as "Vice" that had come into existence within the recent years and claims many each year. The boy had watched as his mother deteriorated and fell to a sleep from which they never again awoke.

Now alone with nothing but his thoughts he knew his only chance of survival was to enlist in a mercenary band. He had nothing more than survival to strive for and had only the experience of a toy sword which he had to pretended himself as great knight and defender. This would have to do for now.

As a gentle breeze past, something caught his eye and he turned slowly towards it. It was a doe almost devoid of any of the brown markings, leaving only white fur. It stood in elegance observing the boy with a steady stare. It slowly turned towards the woods and then looked back at the boy expectantly. The boy who had sat in awe, now retook and lowered himself from the fence, following in the direction of the doe.

The forest was unusually dense and he almost lost sight of the doe once or twice. Thanks to tone of it's fur, it stood out even in the thickest of thicket. As he climbed over a particularly large branch he fell and landed softly in lush grass. Before him glowed pearlescent ruins foreign to anything he had prior knowledge of. How it remained untouched was beyond him and he felt his breath catch as tears welled up in his eyes.

This was without a doubt where everything good and wholesome resided and not a speck of sin could invade that. Here he saw the doe's true form and the gathering tears came gushing out as he ran to her.

He opened his eyes to find himself back upon the fence next to the path. For a moment he had considered the vision for an illusion, but knew better as the feelings he had experienced were true. He knew he must find that place and that would be the purpose in which to strive. He leapt from the fence refreshed and feeling light as a feather, running down the path with hope giving wind to his wings.

-inspired by a Saya Composition-

Friday, June 27, 2014


Depression is a plague that everyone faces at one point or another.

Sometimes their is a mental or emotional reason. Perhaps we feel our existance holds no meaning or purpose. Other times it is chemical; an imbalance in the body that leaves us feeling off, melancholy or morose with out any outside influence. The former is tough to deal with and can be given fuel by the latter.

If I am aware that I am having a chemical imbalance and this is leading me to feeling depression it also can lead to self inflicted negative mental and emotional stimulous. The thought of pointlessness and insulting ones self for a feeling that is not intentionally indulged in.

Perhaps a good method of turning this around would be rebalancing ourselves chemically. Make the food of the day nutritional, cover all the bases, Get out and get sun, and Exercise and get the body moving. Direct your negative thoughts in a positive direction, they are unavoidable so rather than fight them we can convert them to something else, eventually leading to a positive result.

Rather than thinking "What is the point of going outside and working out, no one cares anyway." try thinking "Why should I bother indulging myself in relaxing, I might as well be working out."
even though the working out is now considered negative, it is still a positive behavoir that can lead to rebalancing and regaining energy. The problem with is obvious however. What if we eventually convince ourselves that the positive behavoir is bad even when we are not depressed.

Everything hinges on having a strong set of beliefs that will always ring true in the back of our minds. If you think things over, the next day you will be able to return to your true beliefs. We mustnly make excuses. We should accept who we are and what we do and never question our true beliefs even if we compromise them or go against them from time to time. Denial can defile a persons path and keep us from being true to ourselves. Everyone is human, everyone has unclean thoughts and do to some extent unclean things. No one is spotless, so why hold it against yourself.

So all this being said, I sit at my computer with that creeping gloom. I recognized it, I accept it and I know that it is something I want to convert to a more positive state. I believe I need a good rest and perhaps a good helping of unprocessed fruits and vegetables as well as a walk outside in the sun. If it doesn't work I will update this and debunk myself. I'm already feeling better by blogging about it though so here is hoping :)

Wednesday, June 25, 2014


Recently I heard something profound at work. I did not expect it.

"Assume positive intent"

How often do we perceive others as enemies in our mind by viewing their presence or presentation as antagonistic. Imagine all the misunderstands that could be averted and how much brighter the world would be if we had an outlook that our fellow humans were striving towards a positive result just as we are.

Give it a try next time you speak with someone. They may just have a difficult time expressing themselves which could be viewed as negative input. Everyone wants to have a happy and fulfilling life after all.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Crossed Line

Recently within the past two weeks I have been having issues with my phone.

It's not that the phone loses signal or drops calls, instead it seems to receive interference. I will be talking to a friend or family and there will be a quiet moment. This silence is followed by a new sort of feedback.

In the first instance, I was having a conversation with a loved one when in the middle of the back and forth there was silence despite my prompting. Before I could hang up I began to hear something. It sounded like digital feedback. This noise seemed to come in intervals and at first I thought it was an issue with phone not properly handling the incoming signal. As strange as it was it eventually cut out so I called my loved one back. They had not been speaking to me at the intervals in which the digital feedback was heard.

The most recent occurance was just the other day. I was speaking to a close friend when the line went silent. It was then replaced by a heavy breathing, seemingly through the aid of a breathing machine. I tried to elicit a responce to figure out what was going on but the breathing continued and my words seemed to fall on deaf ears. After thirty seconds of this something was mumbled from the breathing entity and then the call ended. I called my friend back and they told me it had ended on their side prior to when I began to hear the breathing.

I can only speculate what might be going on and if this continues happening I will continue to document it. Is someone or something listening in or trying to communicate or is the line just getting crossed?

Monday, June 23, 2014


Imagine if you well an entity that acts and reacts to stimulous. It moves with what would be viewed as purpose and direction yet at its core there is nothingness. It can smile, frown and depict all known emotions when such a response is elicited. When it looks at something, it can only relate what it is viewing in terms that are relative to it's self. It does not see those around it in their native context. It always acts in it's own interest as that is the minimum requirement of it's survival. It can procreate and raise young but never truly understands the purpose in anything it does.

It is merely a walking shell that stares back at me in the mirror every morning and I want nothing more than to wipe that smug grin off it's face.

Down pour

There is something to fear in the rain.

The curtain of clouds closed in upon the sun and a subtle darkness settled in. The usually bustling metropolis' veins ran thin as the people took to shelter. The few that remained were canned up in vehicles. Even vermin knew to take shelter from a salivating sky.

On this day, I found myself late and pressed to brave the maelstrom with umbrella in had, cursing the wind. The water licked at my heels with each step. With such a down pour the view became distorted and I found myself unable to tell what there was more than 2 feet in any direction of me. My senses were now null and void as all I could do was soldier on.

In a metropolis even in the worst of weather you will usually encouter at least one other unfortunate soul in this similar situation along the way any where you would go. Thus is the path of luck and lack there of. I had not seen a soul since I opened my apartment door into the street. I also came to the realization that I had not seen even a sign that others might have ever been where I now walked. No bikes chained, cars parked or structured stone walk. I new was padding down what I assumed to be a mildewed slab, upon my notice of which prompted my earlier observation.

I was immediately disturbed and began fearing for my own well being. I turned to walk towards what should have been a wall of shop fronts or apartments only to encounter nothing after 20 or so steps. Visibly distraught I darted in every which direction with similar results. My panic was now at a crescendo and I felt that my heart would soon either explode or give out entirely as I fell to my knees hyperventilating.

The rain seem to respond to my plight and fear with increased ferocity and a wave of knocked me onto all fours clutching for a hand hold. I coughed heavily as the last wave had caught me by surprise and I had taken in much of it. Before I could recover fully another wave tousled me to the side. I was utterly at the mercy of the storm and mercy it would not afford me. The waves intensified, churning me about as I gave in to oblivion and lost consciousness.

My alarm went of and I shot up in my bed. Outside the sky was dark and sprinkles of rain were starting to fall. I decided for safety I would call into work ill. Though I now knew it to be a dream, I could not shake the feeling that it was more than that. I later noticed that my umbrella had gone missing and to this day I stay in on rainy days.

Monday, June 9, 2014


What is a person on the front line of a business?

Are we but mechinations that complete tasks in repitition, mere vessels of effort to put forth towards a goal withheld, perhaps a number on a spreadsheet to be added or removed as deemed necessary.

We no longer seek to learn a trade and instead are placed into air conditioned boxes to plug our minds into machine and review numbers and letters. Why is it no longer a requirement to know a trade, why do we no longer have apprenticeships in which we can hold some useful life skill that we could use to survive. This age is abundant in excesses. Life has become mundane due to pointless luxuries.

Not that I would complain about luxuries, but we must not engorge ourselves upon them. Everything should be taken in portions. How can we not be satisfied when our cups already overflow and we hemmorage currency upon useless goods. Is this not why the world has become so muddled. This is a world of wants.

I learned to manage what little money I had at a young age in order to obtained what I determined to hold value to me. Life is full of sacrifices. Sometimes you have to miss meals so that your children may eat. Sometimes you have to work hard 7 days a week and take care of house and home when you get off with limited sleep so that your family may be fed and not have to worry.

Family makes you realize things. That there are things in life more important than self indulgance. Not that taking care of your self and being happy is wrong, but that the world is full of people that deserve at least being viewed and considered as such.
I wish to share some of my favorite Horror Manga here are the links enjoy:

Uzumaki - The spiral
This follows a young girl trapped in a mysterious cycle that doesn't truly unfold till the very end.

Flesh Coloured Horror
A collection of short horror stories.

There is an outbreak of something new that causes those infected to suffer a horrible death.

Mimi no kaidan - Mimi's Ghost Stories
A set of horror stories

Yin Yang Road
Another collection of short stories

A group of people is invited to stay on a haunted movie set with a chance at winning a large sum
This also includes short stories

more to come...


There exist within each of us limitless possibilities.

What does this mean? Nothing is outside of our bounds.

It is then to say that we should never be surprise by what a person does. We are all capable of murder, maliciousness and the maniacal. We are just as capable of Altruism, atonement and abundance. It is proper however to act perturbed when presented with the unlikely. One must keep up appearances lest they be considered disturbed or deranged. Never the less, looking on with eyes glazed over and a mind unwavering I move at a steady pace forward each day.

People die, get hurt and do horrible things; that is unfortunate. I will not act like it disturbs me, because it does not, these things do not surprise me in the least.

Am I a cold person, perhaps. I accept who I am and do not find any problems with it. Life is too short to live with a constant turmoil in one's own mind.

Do what you do, accept who you are and never regret a thing.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Elevator Recording

At a beach resort in Destin, Florida

Unfortunately I was unable to step away from family as late as 2 in the morning so I did the ritual around 10 or 11 pm

Tuesday, May 20, 2014


I would like to tell you about a person I know. She (B) is a friend of the mother (M) of my children.

Recently, B has become fascinated with what B says to be an alternate personality and has been delving into attemping conversation and interactions with them as well as utilizing them for assistance in being more outgoing.

There is one in particular that has M very doubtful of the whole thing. This personality in particular first appeared a week ago when B blacked out from excessive anger. B could not recall what had occurred but others have accounts of her remaining active and behaving strangely. During this time she commit some act that resulted in her going to the hospital and she could not recall the events that led up to it or what had happened.

Rather than becoming afraid she has become obsessed. B was speaking to M about this and showing selfies taken by this other personality, which made M's stomach turn and ask that B not continue such talks. I myself have yet to see these images or speak to B much about it, but I find the strangeness of it blog worthy at the least. If there are any more occurences I will make sure to present them here.

Also, I'm not sure but the other day when B was over she touched my shoulder repeatedly as she passed me which I found immediately odd and outside of her usual actions. Was she in the drivers seat or was it someone else?


What makes an antagonist creepy or off putting in a horror flick and how to do it yourself?

The constant gaze, unblinking and fully focused on it's prey. It is a stare that goes one step past eye contact to an assessment of the victim's very soul. This look tells them that there is no where you cannot see.

A confident and oppressive stance. How one holds themselves says a lot about that person. Standing in a way that makes you as large as possible, impose yourself upon your space and those around you. Make the focus of your body the intended target, they will know they have your attention and they will regret it.

How they speak or if they don't speak at all. The word usage leaves no openings and the tone is devoid of emotion. Messages can be conveyed but usually they are only fluff when considering your true intentions. Short and blunt or needlessly complicated with your motive hidden in your words can work; unresponsive is alos a very good way to put someone in an ackward unsure state.

Doing unexpected things that are outside the social norm. This can be anything really as long as it gets someone's attention. It is a small gesture, can be physical contact or otherwise. It is to state that you do as you please and there are no boundaries holding you back. Keep it classy though.

Placement is important. Use poorly lit areas or stand with light at your back so that your features are obscured. You are one with the darkness, make that fact known. Don't miss an opportunity to hide in plain sight. Don't stick around, slide in and out of scenes without a word or much motion. Leave them guessing if you are or aren't there at all times.

Pace. Take your time. You know more about the surroundings than your prey would think and it scares them. You don't need to rush due to ensuring they are in a place where there will be no rescue. Savor the hunt and leave your mark on the surrounds so they don't get a chance to regain their calm.

Never hesitate. Doubt for even a moment gives away your power. They need to know you are unflinching and will not stop till your job is done.

If you try these things in real life make sure not to take it too far lest someone be put at risk. Everyone enjoys a good joke but there is a fine line that can easily be overstepped.

Monday, May 19, 2014


I have been dead for many years now.

I can tell you this, there are ghost. I am speaking from experience. When I was alive, the thought of ghost was very intriguing. Now that I am one, I find it rather mundane. You can see and hear everything, but you cannot interact without a hefty penalty. There is no rule book so everything is touch and go; you learn the hard way.

After those first few years of watching over people I became stir crazy. It does something to the mind when you cannot interact with anything or anyone. My desire to connect to others in some way was eating away at me. I had some luck eventually. I was attempting to speak with the woman that now resides in my home. After a good hour of no responce I became frustrated and knocked over a glass of water that had been sitting at the table. She had jumped and her eyes darted around the room. I was elated!

It seems that with enough strong emotion I was able to elicit a response from the world of the living. This interaction came at a price however. When a ghost gets wrapped up in an emotion the emotion may run wild with... messy results.

I'll just say that I'm not lonely anymore and leave it at that.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

House Hunting

My apologies for being so distant. I have been looking into purchasing a home and such a weighty decision requires much time and energy.

I will most likely keep the rituals outside of this future residence :P, though I'm sure it would be easier to play one man hide and seek in a new, empty home.

Friday, May 9, 2014


Even now you can hear the scraping on the window's glass as the wind carries a whisper than cannot be discerned. The siren sounds in the distance of a dimly lit neighborhood.

A man sits in an unlit room as the dog meanders to and fro. He is illuminated by the screen in which he is engaged.

I am this man and I wonder what would happen if I wrote the dark things in the back of my mind into this story what would occur? Could one's fiction become one's reality and visa versa? The possibilities are enough to encourage or dissuade.

I will settle for making reality my fiction fornow, but who knows what the future may hold.

Thursday, May 8, 2014


The Day

Today is the day. I am a bit anxious.

I feel that I will witness something today. Once I'm home and my family is fed I will step away to perform the ritual. Maybe I will see what has been making use of the childs table at all times of the night. I have been feeling uneasy in the house, mostly due to familial conflict.

I look forward to presenting my findings or experience at the least. It is 7 or 8 hours till. I'm not sure if I want to see something or not, but I do know I want to do the ritual. I will either conquer my fears or wade into them.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014


Well I have decided to note this occurance seperate from the rituals due to it being so prominent.

The Child's play table in my down stairs bedroom has been playing music at all times of the night without being activated. I was not present for the first instance of this, but from what I'm told the laughter that usually follows the song (that had decided to play itself) did not follow immediately after as it usually does. Instead it laughed minutes after the song itself had ended.

I have now had 3 seperate experiences with this small table playing songs in the night without provocation. It usually happens when I have just recently laid down and closed my eyes. I jump up to rush over and turn it off so that it does not wake my twin boys. I usually leave it off and am not sure if someone is turning it on while watching them during the day or if it is turning itself back on to the song setting. I will continue to moniter and catilog this activity. As of now this is the only strange thing that has began to happen after trying rituals.

It's mostly startling and a slight annoyance. I do find it mildly amusing and am not so bothered since it does not scare the children. I wonder if more activity will occur when trying more rituals. I plan to attempt the camera ritual once more in this room. I will post my results to Saya's blog and with the link running from my rituals post. This will take place Thursday May 8th 2014.

I am enjoying this new hobby of mine. Perhaps I will clear my mind before hand with some meditation that saya has linked for me. Thanks again!

Tuesday, April 29, 2014


A man and his guest were having a discussion before dinner.

Guest: Did you see the news, that girl in the next town over suffers from possession!

Host: Oh, does she now, how convenient for her.

Guest: Convenient! What do you mean?!

Host: To have demons for an excuse.

Guest: Surely you jest! Who would want such an excuse?

Host: Who wouldn't? All sins absolved as foreign acts forced upon the afflicted. Quite a good alibi.

Guest: What acts could a man possibly commit to even close in on the acts of a demon?!

Host: He could carve the flesh from your face for ornament on his dinner plate.

Guest: What a terrifying thought! A man could commit such an act?!

Host: It's purely hypothetical.

Guest: I would hope so!

Host: Hope is a good thing to have.

The host casually picked up a carving knife from the table.

Host: Unfortunately, hope is not on the menu tonight.


I. Hear that sound?

II. Yes, what is that?

I. It is the train.

II. The train?

I. Yes, the train.

II. What train?

I. The last train.

II. The last train?

I. Yes, the last train.

II. Why is it the last train?

I. Because there will never be another.

II. Why is that?

I. It is due to the man.

II. The man?

I. Yes, the man.

II. What man?

I. The dark man.

II. Who is the dark man?

I. A man who has always been watching.

II. Watching what?

I. Watching the people.

II. Which people?

I. All people.

II. Even me?

I. Yes, even you.

II. Is he watching now?

I. Yes, he is watching you now.

II. Where is he?

I. He is before you.

II. You are the dark man?

I. Yes, I am the dark man.

They stepped onto the train and the man smiled. It would be so much easier to watch everyone now that they were on the train.

Do you ever dream that you are on a train?

Tuesday, April 22, 2014


It's tough living with room mates. They all have needs and attended to. It feels more like baby sitting sometimes.

The man that lives under the stairs gets frustrated with everyone that runs up and down them. He has his cot and little dolls and enjoys his solitude while he watches the world through the tiny holes in the walls. He only comes out when he knows everyone is asleep. He has too eat too you know. He doesn't like to be seen so the dead of night is really the only time he wonders about. He has a really bad temper when it comes to people looking at him. He doesn't take up much space and doesn't really get in the way so he's not so bad.

The children in the attic are quite annoying, they run around all night gigling and throwing things. Sometimes they will come done and stand still and just watch what I'm doing. That's not so bad I suppose I often don't even notice when they do it. I am quite frustrated by all the pranks they pull however. stacking and moving things to strange places. I've been late more than once when looking for my keys! They don't seem to eat much though, It seems like they don't eat at all in fact. Such strange children.

The figure in the closet is a shy one. You can tell it wants attention but only when it is later at night and your trying to sleep. It comes out slowing and gets really close to see if your awake. I get tired of being breathed on when I'm trying to rest. It goes away eventually after a few hours of standing and watching, sometimes leaving notes on the ceiling. It is really a chore to clean up thos messages!

The creature under my bed is much more polite than most. It doesn't do much more than stay in it's space. I think it may be take some of my things though. I have stopped leaving my things on the ground and that seemed to solve the problem. If I get up in the middle of the night he seems frustrated as it glares at me from the shadow of the bed. I must be disturbing his rest or something.

Just when I thought my place was too crowded with the other roommates I noticed that a girl has taken up residence in the bathroom. I'm never exactly sure when she is watching or isn't so it is tough to get privacy. When I do see her it's usually in the mirror, never directly. She's always standing patiently in place and watching. I don't think I'm that amusing, maybe she has a crush on me? She's far too young for me, I shower in a bathing suit and cover my self when using the toilet. I'd rather not be indecent with a young girl, even if she is the one peeping.

My last roommate is the worst! It has no form at all aside from a shady blur and he is very demanding of my attention. It bangs on the walls and ceilings, throws things across the room and has even dragged me out of bed in the middle of the night a time or two. Talk about rude! Someone should teach it some manners.

I don't know how I put up with all of it. I've heard there are worse roommates to have though. I tremble at the thought of them. All I'll say about them is that if you wake up at 2 in the morning and hear crying, just go back to sleep, do not search out the source...

Monday, April 21, 2014


I awoke in the middle of the night. I laid there and listened to the hum of the air conditioner. After a moment I notices that there was a soft glow coming from the adjoining bath room.

I could not think of anything that I may have left in there that would have produced the light and my guest for the evening had long since left. As my curiousity was about to rouse me to action; the light suddenly disappeared. I began to feel on edge.

Is someone or something here with me in the next room? My imagination began to run wild and a sense of terror washed over me. I had to know the answer or I would be trapped here fearing something that may soon turn the corner and attack me while I lay prone.

I mustered my courage, got onto my feet and took my cellphone from the dresser to serve as a light source. When I activated my cellphone I took note of the time 3:48a.m. this in it's self served to add to my fears due to these happenings having began approximately around 3:00a.m. "The witching hour" as they call it.

So as to not give more power to the supernatural I went into the bathroom at my usual pace, my heart racing as I was mentally ready for action. I did not find the source of the light there-in. This to me was much worse than actually finding something. Better to have some answer than no answers.

I moved into the living room. It was pitch black on the other side of the window which made it feel like I had entered another world. The coat closet was slightly ajar and I was not entirely sure I had left it in that condition. I decided against pushing my luck and trying the closet. I instead made sure the door lock was still engaged; it was.

I returned to bed without relief. What was that light? Am I truly alone? I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014


I'm thinking that I will test my bravery with some rituals that Saya has provided in her underworld. I will post the results to the comments on her blog and have the links attached here for documentation. I will also document any weird happenings here if things start to happen afterwards.

The first one I attempted was:
How to check if there is a ghost in your room - I will most likely try it again with better technique.

Update 4/17/2014*
Can you see your Guardian spirit? - Will also give this another try under better conditions

I have been feeling a lack of imagination lately and hope this will supply plenty. I will try to take on these things in the safest way possible, if there is such a way haha.

Update 4/22/2014*
It seems that doing rituals requires some mental preparing, a clear mind and no interruptions. I'm sure that ghost are more than likely getting impatient waiting on me to do things right, haha. I am enjoying my self none-the-less. I may be doing them more for amusement than inspiration and testing my courage. I'm sure that is normal though.

Update 4/29/2014*
I plan to do the How to go to another world by using the elevator ritual during my vacation at the end of May 2014. Now that I have commited to it, it must be done.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014


Though her tiny kingdom enjoyed a life of continued peace and prosperity, the world outside was trapped in a 200 year long war.

The lands immediately outside of the kingdom's borders were scorched and barren, no life aside from carrion birds could be seen, as they picked at the corpses of the fallen. Bile began to rise in her throat as she took it all in. A black field, decaying partly eaten corpses strewn about and the looks on their rotting faces was something she would have nightmares of for many years to come. She voided her stomach and her entourage moved to comfort her.

These trusted men knew of such things and had wished she would never have to experience them. She have been extremely insistent and persuasive however. They had all made a pact to put everything they had into assuring that she was safe and successful in her venture. She placed a hand up to halt them as she regained her composure.

After some time had passed and she was able to fully comprehend and adapt to this world of death, the group pushed on, into the rancid air, further into the abyss of the war torn lands.

Monday, April 14, 2014


The young girl stood in awe of the colored sky of an autumn sunset. All the nagging concerns of daily life had faded as the leaves danced in the wind. In this moment only the connection with the natural world existed.

Soon she would be setting off on a journey to distant lands with a small entourage of trusted retainers. The journey would define her and who she would be. It would determine the fate of these lands she called home; it was a burden with much weight on her petite shoulders and she was not sure if she was able enough to bear it.

As her hair floated in the breeze the last light of the sun reflected in her eyes and what could be seen there was new resolve. Doubts had been pushed out of her mind with the coming of the new season. She would see this path through to the end and ensure that the dawning of a new era would be a bright one.

"I stand here not as an individual, but as an embodiment of the dreams of the people." she told herself vehemently, "I will make these dreams the reality."

With that she turned from the vision of her homeland and took the first step into the expanse of destiny.

Monday, April 7, 2014


I'm thinking this would make a good character intro in a story that I should probably write eventually.

Three gun shots ring out in the night. I'd like to say I was shocked or even disturbed, but honestly, I didn't even give it a second thought.

Shortly after the finishing shot sounds out, you can tell by how dull it sounded in comparison to the first three. It's the middle of the night and some people are turning on their lights and getting curious. Not me however, I got work in the morning and don't have time to worry about something that's already finalized. I'm sure the cops will fumble around the area for a while till they give up on catching the culprit.

I know I should probably be reacting like other people; Fear for my safety or be concerned for another extinguished life. It's just that it would take more than that to put me on edge. In my mind I am aware that people are dying everywhere ever day and of much more horrific things than a few bullet wounds. This is a mostly quick and not so painful death in comparison to the possibilities.

What if there was someone with a knife and nothing but time? What if they have something much less effective against flesh with the same intentions? What if they know you won't be heard so their only concern is how to get the best reactions out of you? What if they know how to go about it without killing you, getting the most out of you before your demise? What if they aren't human or not human anymore? What if they want more than one lifetime of pain and suffering from you?

I guess a bullet to the head would be a slap on the wrist in comparison, so I'll just let my mind go blank and fade to black so that I can get up and go through the daily motions tomorrow. Another day, another dollar and the body count keeps piling up as I drink my morning coffee in my cubical.

Thursday, April 3, 2014


I'm in one of those "..got nothing to say." moods. I feel like anything I say will just be pointless rambling. Worth as little for reading as it was in writing. Maybe I just need to get motivated or inspired.

I've been reading the Kingdom graphic novel and I'll admit it is moving at times. I get bursts of energy and tear up at some of the events that unfold. I am all for the struggle against all odds to reach the top and feel that it builds character. I wouldn't want to skip over any steps along the way.

I don't think it is possible to make your way up from the bottom of a company to the top. The corruption and politics in the system are too potent. I have no interest in politics and try to move forward with hard work alone. Unfortunately hard work does not get you anywhere in big business, managers will do everything to keep you in place so they don't take a hit to their numbers.

I am dragged down by a career that in the scheme of all things, I would say is pointless and excessive to the point of not being necessary. My manager talks loudly and often and is quick to step on her own people just to hold them down, seeing as how there is not benefit to it. I have to worry that I will be out of a job and no one will hire me due to the fact that I don't know enough people and don't really enjoy social networking.

I wish apprenticeships were still something that was a norm. I know my hard work would pay off if it were the most important factor, which I feel it should be.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Good and Evil

I believe that evil is merely a prerogative based view point.

Some one that I see as evil may see me as evil just the same. So who would be the evil one then? Do we go to a consensus to determine this? Can popular opinion truly define the details of evil?

It is my belief that there is merely what is good for us and what is not. It should be our goal to strive to do what is good for us. We can not act on the behalf of others without their consent for fear of a misunderstanding due to everyone having their own perspective. Therefore it is best to act on what is in our best interest, that also does not impede upon others.

This is not to suggest that we should be cold to others. I am merely suggesting that we apply empathy before action. We must try to see things from the perspective of others if we wish to do anything for them.

The most important idea I wish to impart is that people are inherently neutral and are not inherently "evil" or "good". We do what we must to survive and thrive. All people carry value in existing even the most despicable. This is also why I believe that atonement is a better sentiment than demise when seeing an "evil" person held for their "crimes".

Having said all of this there are always outliers. Those that do not fit within the scheme or normal reasoning. Those that are irreparably damaged or broken. Through no fault of their own they came to be something that no longer resembles a human; a monster. They perform acts that carry no true benefit toward survival or a bettered existence. I do not wish to describe these things for we would all balk at the thought of them; even the incarcerated find them in poor taste to put it flatly.

Those with all their faculties should not allow the perspective of burden to place weight on their shoulders. When acting with others effected, empathy should be applied.

Monday, March 31, 2014


The shy bud timidly opened it's petals to peek at the sun. So impressed by it's brilliance, the young bud went full bloom without a second's thought. It basked in the gentle, warm embrace that shone down upon it.

The brittle surface of the land that had been barren to this point now displayed it's ambition. Soon these dead lands would have a kaleidoscope of lively colors in abundance. The pulse of life is quite formidable.

The remains of an ancient civilization was full of echos from the past and sat brooding. All that was in excess from now saw sat in disarray. That which stood at the core of existence had been forced to yield for a time, but no longer! This was a patient world, which gives it's all and holds love in it's heart for all of it's children.

Time can be harsh for a heavenly body, seeing many of it's beloved children come and go. It would always carry the fond memories first and for most; as it nurtures the new life that is awakening over the horizon.

The sun watched fondly as it's beloved held their children close. Each day giving it's all to provide what it could to make sure it's family was never cold, nor hungry. It had been dismayed when it's children parted ways and was now back in high spirits as it observed the blooming of it's precious bud.

Everyone did their part and all that were, were loved.

Friday, March 28, 2014


The blood fell like rain upon the untainted field. Those that worshiped scattered like leafs to the wind. The air now heavy with iron mist warmed the heart of the foreigner as he inverted the religious symbol before him.

"That which is done must be undone, dawn to dusk, then again tomorrow."

The work of the pious is never done and a man's hands must never lay restless. From one religion to the next they are all tied together in the power of Faith. Those that are truly faithful shall not falter for in them is great purpose. Those with great purpose are quite diligent.


What benefit is there is taking freely of that which is another's rightfully?

We are equipped with a set of morals. They may not align exactly but they are all loosely tied to the general core values of what it means to be human. When we go against our moral values we do damage to our own spirits. The only thing truly gained when taking something is guilt.

Guilt forms a pit in your stomach. It builds up and causes a churning. It is like a nauseating sickness where we can't sleep, can't eat and can't function in the carefree manner that we all should enjoy living. When you carelessly take something from someone and deprive them of their right to the very effort they put into that thing what you are really taking on is guilt rather than gain.

Essentially it is a poor, thoughtless thing to take from others. It is admitting a lack of ability and strength inherent in one's self. It is suggesting that a person can only exist as parasite, when symbiosis is the healthiest way to live.

There is so much a person loses out on by taking from others. Friendships, Relationships, Trust, Faith, etc. What is worth the exchange? What could possibly carry enough value to lose these priceless things? Why would anyone do that to them self?

I would say that I feel sad towards those that lose out while trying to hold onto the things others possess. I do not pity them nor am I disappointed. I simply feel sad that a fellow human has demoted them self and understand such beasts exist. I have nothing for them, because they are so wrapped up in themselves they can't notice that the people they take from are humans as well.

How sad it is to look at others and feel nothing, to not see that they to have needs and rights, to use one's effort to obtain something that is not of one's own making, when one could be creating something of their own which would bring about a sense of fulfillment.

Why tarnish the beauty of hard work, effort and the human spirit?

Wednesday, March 26, 2014


If happiness is something that one can cultivate from within themselves then joy is something that is born from sharing in this happiness with those around you.

When we allow our hearts to over flow into the world with sincerity that washes over those that surround us, we provide nourishment which begins a stirring of life. Though we as people can cultivate ourselves and grow, we display even greater progress and vibrancy when we taste of such nourishment. To make the world a place rich and fertile we must not stand alone.

When our friends, family or even acquaintances give honestly of themselves how can we avoid our hearts natural response. Our eyes tear up, a funny grin creeps across our face and uninhibited laughter springs forth. Even those living in the harshest of realities must have indulged in this at least. Why set a limit to it, why let those strong feelings go where we can see no wrong with the world?

Does it sound like a challenging thing? Don't worry it can be unbelievably simple to provide and enjoy. Giving of your time, sharing your thoughts and expressions and offering something freely without cause or reward require little energy.

Everyday should leave such an impact on the heart's of everyone and in doing so reflect on ours as well.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014


How much time has past since I fell asleep?

I feel like it hasn't been very long, but when I awoke the world was... strange. I can't quite put my finger on it. I think I'll check my phone for the time.

Great, it's dead. Stupid piece of junk! I'll just go into the kitchen and check the time on the microwave.

The power must be off, the lights won't come on and the microwave isn't showing the time. *Sigh* Now I'm up in the middle of the night with no power.

I am starting to freak out right now! I know what is strange, It's the silence... I'd expect to at least hear the wind outside.. I have no idea what's going on, but this is putting me on edge. I know! I'll go check the breaker upstairs. I'll grab a knife from the kitchen, just in case. Being in the dark and silence has me imagining things, I swear I think I hear something downstairs in my room...

I wish it had stayed quiet... I'm sure that I hear something. Something is moving around in my room!

I have hidden in the upstairs laundry room. I don't have any sort of light and It feels like the washer must have broken because the floor is wet. It's pitch black so I'm not too sure... The thing is still down there! I heard it go into the the kitchen... it is coming up the stairs! I hear it getting closer! I can't handle this! I'm going insane! What the hell does it want! What the hell is it! I'm gripping the knife so hard my hand is hurting. I'd rather die than let it get me...

I'm feeling very tired... I'm damp now and getting cold... It will be here soon... I know it... It won't get me now... I'm so relieved, I think I will take a nap...

How much time has past since I fell asleep?

I feel like it hasn't been very long, but when I awoke the world was...

Monday, March 24, 2014


I have decided to post a drawing from a few months ago. I have always enjoyed drawing/sketching as a hobby to pass the time or to express how I feel towards something. I usually only draw for 5 - 10 minutes and currently use mostly just a regular pen.

This image in particular was drawn while I was on a rather drawn out and frustrating call at work. It makes me smile when I think of the premise.

Thursday, March 20, 2014


I sleep but I do not dream.

I enjoy the reprieve. I use to despise it. Wasting time that could be spent active on oblivious rest. I now feel that I do not need to gain anything from sleep aside from the natural restoration it provides and avoiding it is hardly a preference.

I have dreamed before, some relating to the future which years or months later I live through. If I remember the dream I often change what was done in it. Perhaps the subconscious exists in a different manner than the active mind. I can suggest many theories to this, I might do so in a future post.

I've had nightmares, maybe 3. One as a child, I find it funny that I even feared what I had in the dream. Chased by Gremlins, the ones from the moving, those goody little things with bad habits.

I have had more serious nightmares, one in which I was at my parents home where I grew up. It was dark and I was the only one home. I was standing at the back of the living room and took notice of the recliner to my right. A large hand attached to a lanky arm extended out from beneath it. Once it had returned beneath, a large figure 9-10 feet tall stood straight up coming from the same space. It was highly improbable! The figure was of human shape and without feature, yet I could tell it was observing me. My breath hastened and I woke up with my breath in the same matter. I regret not having stayed to figure out what the creatures purpose was. It didn't truly seem to mean harm.

The last nightmare I adapted into a story in an earlier blog entry "Taboo", in which the figure is most certainly malicious.

The last form of dream I experience is one in which I am in constant conflict. I am on the run, while fighting back and being chased by a relentless enemy, often monstrous. I never feel that this is something to be afraid of and always wish to best it. I wake up with regret if the dream ends before I can do so, which is often the case. It seems the difference between nightmare and normal dreams can be control and feasibility.

Despite all this, most of my time asleep involves nothingness, I suppose since I accept the void, it accepts me as well.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Horror and Culture

Being a horror enthusiast from a young age I noticed something that altered my horror palate and perhaps made it a tad more refined. The difference between Western horror and Far Eastern horror.

There is a very distinct difference that takes fear to the next level. This is in relation to what is at risk or at stake for the victim.

In Western horror it makes you fear for your life, killers with their knifes and monsters looking to bring you to a sudden end or a slow painful one. It puts death right there in front of your eyes, this could be you! It is normal to fear death, it's instinctual to fight for your life. This is not the scariest thing that can happen however.

In Far Eastern horror you have to fear for your very soul. What you are up against is playing for keeps, there is no end in this torment, it has merely begun. You began a part of that which you fear and it doesn't end with you, no, these entities often never get full so to speak, they hunger ever more. Often the thing that is to be feared was once human and therefore has a good grasp one how to disturb us most in order to tenderize.

There is one thing from Western horror that comes close. H.P. Lovecraft. It is all in the waiting and in that your mind is at risk and your sanity at stake. Creatures that have been here long before we, they do not die, with time death would fall before the expanse of their existence. There is never a true victory when facing these horrors, only a temporary reprieve because they were and will be around longer than any of us and for our race, it is only a matter of time before they claim what is theirs.

You can often tell when a tale is adapted from the east to the west and this is a regular matter. The western culture is not as patient when it comes to a building horror. They want the quick thrills and jump scares. The best horror is subtle and builds to the point that you want to cover your eyes but can't.

I really need to get back into watching scary flicks :D


The human spirit. This abstract embodiment of what it means to exist as a human encompasses limitless strength.

The worst thing that can happen to someone is to have their spirit broken, yet it can not be broken without our consent. This means that no matter what hard ships that may come our way, if we never give in to despair and repression then it can never truly hold power over us. This goes with anything that is of an abstract nature be it fear, anger or self depreciation.

We must keep in mind however that being limited stretches the spirit thin and leaves ourselves open to the risk of a damaged spirit. If we only believe certain things to be true and hide from the possibilities it makes the possibilities that much more destructive. "Plan for the worst and hope for the best." This does not make you masochistic or a fatalist, just realistic and open minded. After all, if you have hope you can not live in despair at the same time.

Samurai were taught that every day they should consider their death. Be it burning, laceration, seppuku or any other possibility of demise. This is what enabled them to face death so easily, they faced it every day.

Consider the possibilities and strengthen your spirit. Even though life can be harsh, you will find that everything that can go wrong usually doesn't despite preparedness and that will already make the world that much brighter in contrast.

In truth, life is life and things happen, but the only reason something might be viewed in a negative fashion is due to outlook and considering it unthinkable or depressing. There is good in all things as there is bad, look closely, I'm sure you will see it. That is the balance of the world.

So do not neglect the spirit when strengthening the mind and body!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014


I am a fan of sayings. I feel that these are the western worlds Koans. Teaching us something with depth while saying very little.

I want to talk about the following sayings:

"Stop and Smell the roses"

These are quite significant and have even more of a meaning as we progress as a society of screen carrying individuals. Don't just look at a rose, stop and smell it! Take in life with every breath, don't let yourself miss out on anything! The world is full of beautiful things and we have 5 senses to take it all in with.

As babies we do so naturally, taking in stimulus from all around. Picking up everything and putting it in our mouths, without reservation. This is how we are naturally meant to observer the world in my opinion, so why do we limit ourselves to merely seeing most of the time? We miss out on so much sitting behind our TVs, Monitors, Tablets and Cell phones. I'm not saying to forsake technology, I'm only suggest setting it aside once and a while and enjoy the world around you.

Feel the wind and sun on your skin while you lay in the grass on a summer day. Listen to all the life around you as the birds chirp and caw, squirrels scamper about in trees and children play. Smell the fresh, crisp winters air. Taste the fruit grown and picked from a tree with your own hand. These are only a few in the multitude of experiences that exist all around us that we don't give a second thought and might take in without even considering.

"It's the little things that matter"

This can relate to the previously mentioned idea and also pertains to so much more. It's any little thing that can bring joy. Someone greeting you in the morning or holding the door. A firm hand shake. Honest laughter. A compliment. the color of someone's eyes. Think about it, do we even record the color of someone's eyes, do most of us even look someone in the eyes? Try it, Eyes are beautiful, they are called "The window to the soul" after all.

Little things can be gestures, abstract ideas, or anything really. Just a simple thing of minor note usually. Give them some thought and a little appreciation, The world would be different without them. If you do this, it will enhance your life all around. Let's think about it in terms of love, a love grows very strong when you take your time and enjoy everything little thing about the other person. At any age the idea of holding hands can be exciting if you allow it to have it's importance. If you love someone, try holding their hand even if you are already very intimate. I have no doubts they will appreciate it if you do. This is one of the first signs of affection and physical connection.

Here's one that I mentioned as part of the first one. Have it as a take away and give life your all!

"Life in every breath"


I haven't written poetry in a while so bear with me. This is to recant coming of age into brighter world.

This place is my coffin,
This place is my tomb,
To stay stagnant,
is surely my doom.

These people around me,
they fill me with gloom.

They whine, they complain,
They conspire, they disdain.
They'll take all things from you,
Even your name.

They think that a life,
is just a sick game.

I can't avoid it,
this place of mirth.
these people surround me,
this place is called earth.

Is this how it's fated?
From the time of my birth!

I despise them!
I hate them!

I'll avoid and negate them!

These were my thoughts
when I was young.
All of this hate
for everyone.

But what will it matter,
when my days are done?

Why should I give power
to something so wrong?
To such a bad feeling,
made constantly strong.

Is this really something,
that I secretly long?

They're not so bad,
There's hope here I see.
For this simple race,
of intelligent beasts.

I don't really hate them,
not in the least.

Because I am them and they are me.
We just want to live, be happy, and free.

Life is this simple if we just let it be.

Monday, March 17, 2014


I experiences something recently that reminded me of the fear I felt growing up.

I was visiting my parents home while they were away. The whole house has seen less use that previous years due to my parents having bought a second home to be closer to my sister and her newborn. There was a thin layer of dust covering everything in the house especially upstairs where my siblings and I had our rooms as kids.

Our rooms were nothing more than remnants of what they use to be, mere storage rooms or mostly empty since our departures.

I had spent most of my nights on the couch in the game room upstairs rather than sleeping in the top bunk of the bunk bed in my room, next to the window with the sliding door closet at my feet. I never truly felt safe in my room when the quiet of night set in. The game room had been my safe haven though even here I did not truly feel safe, with the overlook into the living room and double glass doors to the balcony.

Why exactly was I afraid of this place? Was it all of the windows and threats outside? Could it have been the bathroom mirrors which once a Ouija board had told me the devil awaited within? Perhaps it was due to the antiques that cluttered the house with unknown history surrounding them. I just feel like I'm being watched when I am there.

On this particular weekend I had brought the boys and was actively exploring the upstairs for anything that I could possibly give to them that was fun during my childhood. When I went into my sister's room to see what it's current state was in I found that there was a few scattered items, a TV on the floor with a DVD player atop it, an art portfolio and A chair upon which rested one of those dolls that crawls and turns it's head.

I was immediately distrusting of the doll and felt that the lay out of the room was mildly disturbing all together. The past of feeling of being watched all those years returned and my eyes moved to the sliding door closet which always remained slightly ajar. Miscellaneous items sat within the darkness of the closet but It felt like something waited just out of sight observing me somehow.

I took this as a sign that it was time to go and took the boys down stairs into the living room to load them up in their seats. In the living room stood a female mannequin with an uninterested expression facing forward. I had mistaken this mannequin for an intruder when I had first arrived and now it felt more like I was the one intruding upon it's peace.

Having finished the preparations for departure, I gather the boys and went to exit through the entry hall. At the bottom of the stairs sat a picture in which a young boy was kissing a equally young girl on the cheek. Despite the actions of the boy, the girl looked forward at the viewer expressionless. The eyes seemed to follow me as I moved past it and out the front door.

I made it to my car and departed without incident.

Of all the mounting terror of this visit, I found that turning out the lights in each area starting at the further most upstairs was the worst. It feels that the darkness was chasing me, licking at my heels, waiting for that last light so that it can make the move it has been waiting to make the whole time.


I enjoy reading a multitude of fear evoking tales. I find now, after having taken in many a story, that I have a taste for certain aspects of them that I wish to convey.

1. First person accounts - Terror taken first hand and conveyed as if it were being enacted again or currently. I wish to be immersed. The words to take a grip on the reader and pull them in, causing concern for not just the narrator but for ourselves. If narrated by that which should be feared then they way things are worded should be unsettling, the outlook on events.. disturbing.

2. Dark entities - It does not have to speak. If it does, then short and to the point or through elaborate messages that show a horrifying level of control or knowledge. Lurk just out of sight, create doubt while allowing the fear to set in. Leave just enough for the true terror of your reality to unravel slowly.

3. Setting - Any where is fine, no where is safe. Intimate is the best though, no one to help and no one to hear a scream. This place is the dark one's play ground and the characters are their play thing.

4. Human behavior - Humans can be extraordinary, but when it comes to fear and surviving people can be quite simple in how they would act. If they are deranged however, anything goes. Keep it simple till the madness sets in.

5. Time frame - No need to draw things out unless there is purpose in doing so. The darkness can be very patient, but let's assume the story takes place in a time that the darkness has already laid in wait.

6. Ending - Leave the reader with something to think about. Being inconclusive leaves the reader with something to think about, which is the truly horrifying thing. Darkness never really disappears.

I hope to review some well known stories soon in order to display what I feel gives the best impression.


I feel it may be good to disclose my method of posting in order to be understood why posting may appear spotty.

I usually type up an entry during a break at work in order to refresh myself and clear out any thoughts outside of the realm of what is required by my job. Last week I was for the most part out to another office and without a computer on which to post. When at home I do not often take the time to get onto my computer so I do not often post from home. I'm considering rethinking this.

I feel it is important that I maintain some form of stability in my life at a time when many uncertainties exist. Sanity, Clarity and Serenity are directly effected by expression or the lack there of, in my case.

It makes me happy to know that my thoughts may be interesting enough to be looked over by others, but that is not the point of this en devour. As with anything this is something that I must do for myself. Selfish though it may be, there is not much I can do for others if I care not for myself.

Despite that know that I sincerely appreciate anyone and every one's presence that may appear here.

You have my gratitude.

Friday, February 28, 2014


There comes a time when we all must take time away from what has become our daily lives.

I know I have stated that we much walk to reach our destination, but we should not just walk blindly. Sometimes it is good to stop and survey the area, see your options, see what you have been doing for what it is. Keeping up the same pattern day in and day out is like walking in circles. You know your doing something but you never are truly getting anywhere. How would you know you are doing this unless you took a look at it from a different point of view.

My current job serves it's purpose, income to maintain a comfortable living for me and my family. That is all. It does not provide peace of mind, there is no real purpose or greater meaning in it. It is a drain on spirit. I need to progress grow and where I am now they only mire you down in the bog and sap you dry till your nothing but bones. Hardly a quid pro qou.

The moment you life starts losing meaning is when your existence is in danger. We cannot jeopardize our existence and throw away purpose for a dollar sign. There will never be enough money in the world to match that of a human life with it's infinite potential. Money being an essentially made up standard of value.

I am becoming comfortable and fat for the slaughter. I need to bring purpose back into my life, not just for myself but as example to my children.

Thursday, February 27, 2014


Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

No one wishes for misfortune to befall them, it simply does. It is inescapable. To go through life without a spot of difficulty would be truly miraculous. The only thing we can do to stay on our feet is remaining aware of the possibilities. The most dangerous strike is one that you do not see coming.

I believe when something happens that is outside of our control we must grit our teeth and push through it. There may be wounds, there may be scars but as long as you are alive there is a tomorrow. And tomorrow holds as much promise for happiness as it does distress.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014


I carry my heart gently.
I feel the rhythm.

It is mine to give or mine to keep.

I hold it out to some,
not everyone wants it.

Sometimes I hide it away.
I forget that I have one.
Could I miss the one that wants it?

Sometimes others give me theirs.
I look at it with it's rapid pattern.

Is this for me?
Can I really have this?
Sometimes they take it back.

It takes me a while to get mine back, sometimes.
I can't just leave it with someone who doesn't want it though.

One day someone will cherish it.
I will wait.
I won't have to give it,
it won't have to be taken.
It will... just be theirs.


There are a few sayings, "Never judge a book by it's cover." or It's the person who seems to have no flaws that you should be worried about.

Humans are deceptive creatures, we put on airs and masks, we play parts and camouflage ourselves. It is so common to do so that it becomes difficult to convey our actual selves. The more we have to hide the better actors we have to become.

It's not that people should have shame and hide things, it's that society shuns people into tucking away their honest feelings. It is a survival reaction, blending in with the herd so as not to be picked out and taken apart. In doing this we cause our true feelings to boil quicker like a covered pot, risking it to pour over into something unexpected and uncontrollable.

I want to be honest and convey my actual self, after so many years there is a lot of wall paper to tear down to get there though. I will work on this. I think it would actual be safer to have a world where people don't bottle up. Maybe people wouldn't end up killing or doing other extreme acts, because we could see them and help them along.

We are all victims of our own society, but as with most things, it is only because we allow ourselves to be. So let's drop the acts and masks.

Monday, February 24, 2014


Rend, Tear, Roar, Thrash.

The beast inside is never quenched. Yearning for a chance to get out, to be backed into a corner so that it may lash out without remorse. To tear and be torn, to bleed and bash and rip and rage. Fire surging in the veins, engulfing everything. It must destroy, it must kill. There is no regret and no fulfillment. There is only the urge, the unending compulsion.

When was it that we decided men were any different than beasts. When did we began to hold our noses up to the other creatures deeming them lesser than we. At what time did we think we were beyond being beasts ourselves? You cannot change what you are, you can only be. We are the beast restrained inside ourselves, lurking behind our eyes, prey all around.

If driven to the extreme, I think I would be wise to let the leash out for a bit. The longer the beast starves, the hungrier it gets. No one can live in a cage forever.

Friday, February 21, 2014


It is something that is natural to us when a capable caregiver is present in our infant years.

As I hold my child of 11 months, walking back and forth with a slight bounce, he dozes off on my shoulder. After a few minutes it becomes a deep slumber. I couldn't help but think to myself, 'Wow, this is the definition of trust'. How else could he rest easy without concerns of being randomly jostled or dropped. Perhaps he has not yet learned of skepticism.

Imagine having so much trust in someone that you would leave your slumbering vessel in their hands. It seems almost unfathomable. Where did all the trust go? grade school betrays? Failed Love connections? Law related pestering?

I don't think that trust ever truly leaves us, we just ration it as the world influences us. Complete trust in everyone would be a flawed thought, though an ideal world. We must ration trust right?

I have to be willing to trust those that trust in me; mutual trust is more sustainable. It is hard to trust someone who does not trust you; skepticism is contagious. It is hard as a parent to trust your child, I imagine even in their later years. This is not due to skepticism, it is due to fear. I fear for what might happen to them if I'm not there to save them from the world. How can a child grow without the trust of a parent though? They need to know they should be confident takings steps without you hovering over them, that you believe in them as much as they believe in themselves. We all needs this to be confident and successful.

I will say this, If you care for someone trust them. If you cannot trust them then maybe you should reevaluate your relationship. Be it your child, partner or good friend. I have friends that I can trust. I have a partner I know is more than capable and I trust her. I trust my boys when they have the air of certainty about them.

Thursday, February 20, 2014


I'm not sure why but I despise referring to myself in the third person.

It is customary in my line of work to announce yourself when you enter onto a conference call. This results in the repetition of "Jim Mansfield is here". It is very uncomfortable to me to announce myself in that fashion, I usually opt for a "Hey, it's Chris." Rather informal but I don't feel like putting myself on a pedestal.

To define my relationship with myself I would say "I accept who I am". I would not put myself above anyone and I am aware the world does not revolve around me. I am fairly sure a bare minimum of even entangle themselves with me. A slight lament, but I am fine with that. Everything has it's purpose and direction. I don't have the be the center of a universe to exist and do so pleasantly.

Knowing this, I do not seek to draw attention to myself. I can be apart of something without circling the drain (is this a depressing way to view being central in something?). I find it fascinating that despite my social neglect, people will take the time to interact with me. I must have one of those faces, as they say. It's always intriguing to speak with some one with no intentions of anything further. It's a very pure conversation where the only purpose is informational exchange and general interest in the other being.

By now it must seem apparent that I live inside my own head for the most part. I watch the world through the theater that is my own eyes and have my mystery science theater going all the while. I am the hermit in my head. Perhaps this way of interacting with life makes me detached? I don't think so, I just think I choose the moments to put my whole self into. Do I really need to be fully engaged in ever conversation about weather trends? Surely not.

Being the constant hypocrite that I am, I have to say that there are time I want to be observed and considered. I find myself requiring, more than anything that my boys look me in the eyes and see me and Know Me. I have to be an essential part of their universe, for myself personally, for my happiness. I like for them to be able to be happy to engage the world on their own, but I can not disengage or be detached from them entirely. I need them as much as I hope they need me.

If I had to define myself in one word I would be lying or cutting myself short and so would anyone else. We cannot be defined we are abstract and dynamic. I may hate the things tomorrow that I loved yesterday or visa versa. We are Chaos and should embrace that. I don't have time fumbling around in my own head, trying to figure out how to sort together details to define myself to myself. I only have time to exist and move forward, Living.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014


I had a dream a month or so ago that inspired me to write a short story about it. I am going to modify it a bit though.

Perhaps it is human nature that we must test something despite all warnings.

While visiting with distant relatives at their rural home, I had taken to exploring each day into the woods and country side. One day I happened upon a strange stone structure hidden in the hillside by overgrowth. I was curious, but not enough to enter alone or without a flashlight.

The next day while in while in the small town about a mile from my relatives home I asked some of the locals if they knew anything about it. I was met mostly by folklore which ended with warning not to disturb unknown things. None of the information was exact enough to seem relevant to my discovery however.

I had given up and started back when I was approached by a trio of locals (two guys and a girl) about my age. It seems my curiosity was infections as they expressed an interest in adventuring into the structure with me on the following day.

Around noonish the next day we assembled outside of my relatives rural home and set out with tools in hand. We cleared away the over growth from cracked opening in the stone door and lowered ourselves in one at a time. Goosebumps spread over me as we venture into the dark tunnel bearing our flashlights. The tunnel went at a gentle decline and was easy to transverse and grew colder the further we went.

Eventually the tunnel opened up into room with many stone pillars. Upon inspection the only thing we discovered in the room was a worn life sized statue of stone female angel carved from some dark stone with some weather wear. It's visage capture in standing pose, arms down to it's side, palms facing forward, eyes opened with no pupils and head tilted slightly down.

There didn't seem to be any way to explain the purpose of the structure or the angel statue facing a back corner. The only information we had to go on was some text carved into one of the walls.

"Do not render life in the presence of the Black Angel"

We puzzled over the text till the only girl of the group said she wanted to try something. She scrambled through her pack and eventually pulled out a bit of paper and a nub of a pencil. Without explaining she took the pencil to the paper. It looked as if she were drawing a person (hard to tell exactly, I don't think she was an artist).

As she put the finishing touches to the picture, it looked as if the lead quickly spread out across the paper till it was completely black. We all jumped back as she screamed and dropped it. The sound of stone scraping against stone sounded in the corner. We turned, aiming our flashlights at the angel statue which had turn from the corner to face us.

Horrified we stood in shock as the statue glided in a blur across the ground stopping inches from our female companion. Tears ran down her face as she was floated up in mid air. Once her eyes met with the angel's her body contorted monstrously, joints and limbs curling in on each other till she was balled up, bloody and lifeless.

Her remains fell onto the ground with a sloppy wet plop, the sound breaking whatever trance held us as we all broke into a mad dash. I could hear behind us the sound of stone scraping stone and knew the angel wasn't done.

I did not look back as I rushed through the tunnel. The sounds of my two remaining companions who had been following me turned from labored breathing to death cries. As I caught a glimpse of the light filtering in from the spot where we had entered my last companions death cry was fading. The thought being next in line running through my mind as I scrambled like a wild animal through the opening tossing myself to the ground outside.

Winded and worn, I laid there catching my breath. The angel was much to large to make it through the opening, I prayed. There was no sound coming from the structure as I brought myself to my feet. I didn't dare look within, so I quietly began to move towards my relatives home. As I began walking I heard something from within the structure and eventually I recognized it. It was the sound of stone scraping...

I have never been back to my relatives place, nor have I gone over the details of those events till today. I can't shake the feeling that I am being watched and have sworn off drawing. Worst of all, I can't take the sound of stone scraping against stone.


The constant foreboding atmosphere of my office job gives me a sense of impending doom.

I actually like dealing with the people but I feel that my every move is scrutinized. It's as if those in positions above me are taking in every little that could be considered a problem and cataloging it for an eventual, climatic exile. I know I need the money and working in a physically comfortable position is a plus, but I would really like to be in charge of my own fate.

There is an offer on a table to paint murals, maybe that would be a good outlet. I'm not sure if I like the act of painting enough. I do enjoy being creative and designing imagery. It would also be good to not be cooped up. The down side is that it may not be sustaining and there is still the sense of impending doom and being watched. This time it would be from clients however.

I think I should take more chances and I would if it was just myself at stake. Having two baby boys at home makes choices like these very difficult however. Risk is something that even in small amounts can be devastating when the life of children are at stake.

I shouldn't use them as an excuse to stay comfortable though. I need to set an example for them or they may end up in my dilemma.